Into the New World (Decade)

We are nearing the end of April 2024, which means I'm more than a month into my thirties now. And truth be told, it is everything people said it would be, and so much more. I'm the happiest I've felt in the longest time. I feel liberated, free, and so full of possibility.

There are obviously a lot of things contributing to my current state of mind: I recently traveled to Europe to reconnect with a good friend, I am discovering the joys of finally living alone for the first time in my life, but perhaps most of all, I am four years into therapy and really noticing how far I've come and the amount of growth that's occurred throughout my twenties.

I trust my judgment more, and I believe I'm capable more. I'm a bit better now at resisting the inertia that often stops me in my tracks from doing things I know I want. I am better at recognizing when something is my problem versus when it's not, and I am better at not internalizing other people's projections onto my self-worth. I'm firmer with my boundaries and much more willing to walk away when something isn't right. I feel lighter as a result of all these things, and that's something worth celebrating.

I decided to spend the last weekend of my twenties on a solo road trip to Death Valley. It has been one of my favorite places in the world ever since my first time visiting in 2017, and the rare appearance of Lake Manly made it a must-see for me this time around. If you had told me even a year ago that I would be driving alone for over five hours to hike by myself in a desert with no cell service, I would have said you were lying. But I have lot less anxiety about the world and a lot more confidence in myself these days. So I bought a can of Fix-a-Flat and a few gallons of water, downloaded an offline map of my hiking trail, and I survived (and even enjoyed!) my first solo hike in the desert. I was even able to help some other lost hikers with directions.

It felt empowering to finally do something I've always wanted to do but never believed I could—because I was too scared to drive long distances alone, too scared to go to a national park alone, too scared to hike by myself. But it was such a rewarding experience because I got to hike as slowly as I wanted, take breaks as often as I wanted, and never have to worry about what anyone else might have thought. As much as I enjoy the beauty of nature, I rarely ever enjoy the act of hiking itself. Physical exertion just isn't my thing, especially if I'm doing it with company. I become too preoccupied with not only my physical pain and discomfort, but also the social anxiety of how the other person is responding to my frequent breaks, my slow pace, and my vocal complaints about steep inclines. In those moments, there is very little bandwidth left to take in the fresh air and the scenery. I discovered that a solo hike takes some of that pressure off and lets me slow down for real, and I was thankful for the experience because it made me finally understand why people enjoy hiking so much to begin with.

All of this to say: 30 has been great to me so far. I'm looking forward to saying yes to more things, exploring more of nature, and cultivating more of the life I want to live, in the next year and in the next decade. I'm excited to continue "nesting" in my new apartment and create a cozy space for myself to relax and indulge in all my favorite homebody activities. I'm excited to dive into the new hobbies I've picked up this past year—photography and embroidery—and devote more time to reading and journaling again. I'm excited to connect more with my neighborhood and my community, and make new friends along the way. And I hope all of this will motivate me to update this blog more consistently in the future!